What truly brings me joy?

Whenever I ask myself, "What truly brings me joy?", I find myself with many potential answers. I use the word "potential" because throughout my adult life I have taken many routes in the pursuit of happiness. Some I believed would make me happy because it made others happy. Some I was told would make me happy because they were society’s approved markers of happiness. But recently when I truly gave it  thought through a different perspective, I got an interesting answer.

When I was a kid I used to sit on the living room floor and solve jigsaw puzzles while listening to the early 2000s band Bombay Viking. "Woh Chali" played in the background as I diligently worked on constructing Mickey Mouse's face, my brows furrowed in concentration. The movie "Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham" had a popular song - "You are my Sonia". This used to be my favorite song and I would play it on loop in my cassette player and dance for hours. Mind you, most of my dancing at the time just involved a lot of spinning.

While playing house, I used to wear a blanket as an Indian saree and scold imaginary children and make fake "rotis" out of paper that I cut in circles. I would also use those blankets to make forts and pretend that I'm in the middle of a jungle or on a quest to save the world. I also remember turning my drawing table into the cockpit of a plane or spacecraft by pretending my toys were knobs and buttons. My Barbies were always involved in elaborate heists, backstabbing, murder, corporate espionage, crime syndicates, and brutal murders.

My fondest memories from childhood include going to art class, roller skating class, driving my bicycle in the lane near my house, and building sandcastles on the beach. When I was a kid learning to make a paper boat was so much fun and felt like such a big joyful achievement. I remember my red-colored toy tub. Every day I would return from school extremely excited to play for the rest of the day. I would spill the contents of the tub on the floor and sit amidst the toys, dreaming, and imagining beautiful things as I played for hours.

Back then I spent the weekend in the little library across the street. I would bring home tons of Archie's comics, Sweet Valley University novels, Nancy Drew novels, Mary-Kate & Ashley novels, Goosebumps, and my favorite R.L. Stine's Fear Street novels. I would spend every waking making reading those books. I would read while eating dinner, when in the loo, in the car, before bed, and so on.

When I think of school I am reminded of the time I played Mr.Darcy from pride and prejudice in the school play. I have fond memories of English class where I learned to read and write prose and poetry, give speeches & write articles; activities that bring me great joy even today. I love every moment of my school life because I was a curious child that loved learning about the world. I did not and do not have a favorite subject. I loved it all - science, mathematics, politics, history, geography, Hindi, abacus, etc.

My hometown, Mangalore also plays a significant role in my childhood. The prospect of going to the beach and park in the evening on weekends always made me squeal with delight. Mangalore also had a yearly carnival called "Karavalli Utsav" which is always looked forward to. I would buy one too many keychains, fancy-looking stationery that never worked, toys, and eat delicious junk food. Mangalore also has "Manasa water park", and my 7th-grade school trip to Manasa was one of the times in my life where I really let loose. 

These are some of the best memories from when I was a kid. When I think about these memories I am flooded with nostalgia and I can't help but smile. The joy I feel when I recollect these memories is different. It's pure. That's when I realized something about the answer to the question - "What truly brings me joy?". I love the little me and I am extremely proud of her. I realized I want to be a little bit more like her again. A little more childlike, positive, and curious. I want to let my imagination run wild and dream a little more. I want to be unrealistic and practical at times. I want to be silly, ridiculous and I want to have unfiltered fun.

From the past few years, I realized I have been going with the flow a little too much. Engaging in things I think makes me happy but really I just picked up things I thought would make me happy. Because those were things the world claimed would make people of my age happy. The dreams and desires I have now a merely a reflection of dreams and desires I think I should be having at this age. This is due to observing what the world says my dreams and desires should be. But what if my true dreams and desires are again, just to attend art class, roller skate, pretend my room is a space shuttle, dance to "You Are My Sonia" for hours, or listen to "Bombay Viking" songs in my free time? What if that's my ideal life? The most satisfying and peaceful version of my life?

I want to stop the realities of the world from burdening me, stressing me, and making me blind to the little joys of life. As an adult we equate joy to night outs, partying, expensive objects, wealth, materialistic things, validation, acceptance from peers, work achievements, etc. While some of those might be important or harmless when in moderation, it is the failure to also see the joy in simple things that bothers me. As adults happiness is supposed to look big, feel big, and sound big. As an adult, you don't feel immense joy when you learn how to make a paper boat because it doesn't give you the same dopamine rush scrolling through Instagram would.

The fact is that the 8-year-old girl was happier than this adult. She didn't have any of the superficial things I mentioned but the joy she felt was purer than the joy I feel when I have these things. Not even a fraction of happiness that I get from these culturally propagated "joy bringing" things can compare to the innocent joy I experienced in my childhood. As an adult, so few things give me this kind of pure joy. So maybe I'll start now. I'll start listening to the child inside. I'll be playful and childish again. I'll try to find joy in simple things and I'll try to be curious about everything. Because no I'm not too old for any of this and trust me, neither are you. So, here's to my quest of finding true pure joy. 

If you like this article please comment below on things from your childhood that give you such joy that you don't really find today. I'm off to stop an alien invasion in the jungle.